This was directly inspired by Lady M, which is why it’s called a mille feuille at all. In my opinion, it’s just a fancy banana cream pie that happens to use puff pastry. For the layers, I have a crust of homemade puff pastry, Chantilly cream, vanilla genoise, fresh bananas, and arlettes, which are caramelized puff pastry squares. Again, it looks like a bloody pie, so I have no idea why they wanted to call it a mille feuille.

For the puff pastry, I had to make it myself, just because not doing that is lazy, and honestly, while I would like to think that I am lazy, I would also like to think that I am a lazy person, not a lazy baker. So being the semi-overachieving asshat that I am, I just chose to make the fucking puff pastry by scratch, since that’s honestly the only portion of this recipe that makes it somewhat challenging. But if you don’t want to make your own, then you’re more than welcomed to be a lazy asshole somebody who would like to not spend time smacking butter and flour together and questioning why you’re doing this, besides to spite the popular and high-priced cake boutique and save yourself $85 at the cost of several hours of your life.

For the puff pastry:
5 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, cubed and frozen solid
2 teaspoons salt
1/4 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons lemon juice or vinegar
1 1/4 cups cold water

Mix together the flour with butter, making sure that each cube of butter is coated in the flour. Keep cold. Dissolve the sugar and salt into the water and lemon juice. Make a well out of the flour and then pour in the liquid. Mix until just combined, into a clunky, hideous looking dough (if your dough looks smooth and perfect at this stage, then you’ll need to start over) and then dump onto a floured surface. Roll out to about 1/16th an inch, dust with flour, then fold into thirds, folding each side in. Dust with flour and refrigerate for 30 minutes. Roll out again, and refold in the sides. Do that one more time, then roll out the dough to 1/16th an inch thick. Reserve half the dough, then with half of it, cut out a 10 inch circle and place into a lined 8 inch pie tin. Weigh down and bake at 400 degrees F for 35 minutes. With any of the weird scrappy bits, cut those off and bake them off as well (depending on the size, about 12-20minutes), making sure to reserve a large rectangle of dough to make the arlettes with later on.

For the arlettes:
Reserved puff pastry
granulated sugar
3 tablespoons unsalted butter; melted

Cut out the reserved puff pastry into 8 equal rectangles or squares. Refrigerate until firm again, then brush with butter and coat with sugar. Place between two lined sheet trays and bake at 375 degrees F for 12 minutes.

For the genoise:
1 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cups granulated sugar
4 eggs
1/4 cup melted butter; unsalted
a pinch of salt

Whip eggs with sugar until they reach ribbon stage. Sift in the flour and salt. Mix 1/3rd of the batter with the butter and then fold back in. Pour into a 6 inch lined ring mold and bake at 350 degrees F for 25 minutes. Cool completely, then slice into two layers.

For the chantilly:
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cups granulated sugar
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
a pinch of salt

Whip to stiff peaks. Keep refrigerated until it is time to assemble.

For the crumble:
Already baked scrap pieces of puff pastry

Crush onto course pieces and then re-bake at 375 degrees F for another 15 minutes to ensure browning. Cool down completely before using.

For assembly:
5 bananas, sliced into thirds

To assemble:
Place one slice of spongecake down. Add in 1/4th of the cream, then press in the banana pieces. Cover with more cream, then place the other slice of cake on top. Using an offset spatula, spread the rest of the cream, trying to get this trapezoidal cylindrical (Google it, btiches), shape out of the cream, covering the top and edges of the genoise as well. Dust the sides with the crumble, then top with the arlette slides. Dust with powdered sugar to finish. There, it will cost you another 4 hours of your life, but at least you didn’t have to pay $85. So unless you make more than $21/hour, then you’re saving money.